The End Of One Journey Is The Beginning Of Another

The End Of One Journey Is The Beginning Of Another

I’ve never been a huge one for journaling.  Infact way back in High School the only subject I ever really loved was Drama and I still managed to get an average mark because I couldn’t keep up a weekly entry.  Although I did go through a couple of teenage years keeping my deepest darkest secrets locked up in a little book.  That was until I realized my little brother (and probably my mother) were keeping tabs on what I was writing.  Now when I blog, which is not that often, I hope that I come from a place of wisdom and understanding and that my readers can relate. Not much seems to be private these days. Running a business that requires so much online presence and a support group for gastrectomy patients most of my exterior life is already exposed. But not many people see the inner life that goes on within me everyday.  My true nature, my authentic self, the parts of me which are vulnerable and must stay protected.  My words are not just words, they are are like fine cracks in which the light from the inside can shine out.

I was walking through the second hand store on Saturday looking for a good book to get stuck into.  I love the smell of old books and the way they feel in my hands. An entirely new adventure or avenue of learning just waiting in between those pages. What I found so hard was finding one that grabbed my attention. So many books, so many words and so many of them the same. In the end at $2 an adventure who cares if I don’t finish it right? Unfortunately, I am not that girl.  Once I have committed to something I like to see it through to the very end.

How do you know when you are at the very end of something? A book is easy because you turn the last page and there are no more words to read.  Life, however is very different. Six years ago, just prior to getting stomach cancer I was in a very deep dark place in my life.  My inner world was conflicted and consumed with a lot of negative emotion.  I had been there before many times during my life, all with different degrees of trauma. Parts of me were so consumed with darkness that I could not see a way out.  At the time I didn’t realize that this was all part of my initiation to ‘awakening’.  I could transmute this negative situation or I could just leave and try again in my next life. So like the hero in all those books, I traveled through the darkest caves,  fought the hardest fights, grieved and cried rivers of tears and came out the other side bloody, scared and exhausted.  But what happens to the hero once they come out victorious? I can tell you from experience, that’s when the real work starts.

Something always prompts me to blog and this is no exception.  About four weeks ago I chose to end a journey in my life.  This was by no means a reactive decision, more an accumulation of years of learning and a general sense that it was time to move to a new adventure. I truly feel that for this part of my life I have been given enough tools to go it alone.  Its like having all those hours of driving experience with someone sitting in the passenger seat and now, with my full license, I can hit the open road and see how far it takes me.   A very important trigger to making this decision was brought on by a situation in which I found myself experiencing some of that very old pre-cancer emotion.  Yes, I picked up a book I had read before and I did not want to read it again! The process that went on in my head, heart and my body took two weeks to work through.  You see, I already knew the end result of that experience and I had no desire to go back there.

Part of me had to revisit not only the experience but also how I responded.  After investing in years of self development classes I was certain that those emotions had been released from my body and was very surprised when they surfaced again.  This also made me start to think about the teachers in my life.  Not just the physical teachers, the lessons that keep crossing my path until I change direction.  When I was 3 years old I started classical ballet lessons. I continued to dance for thirteen years and was one exam away from reaching the top level of the Cecchetti method when, at sixteen years old,  I twisted my ankle so badly it put an end to my dancing career.

My ballet instructor was an exceptional teacher and I expect I was also an excellent student. Although she never made me feel that way.  If I was doing everything right but there was one time I didn’t turn out my leg, she would find fault with that one turn.  I would dance until I was exhausted and if you weren’t ready to put 110% into each and every class, it was better to not turn up at all. For years I yearned for her approval and praise.  She obviously saw the potential in me, but never encouraged me with positive words or recognition.  In order to push me to grow she constantly pointed out my flaws and I never wanted to let her down.  I didn’t realize it at the time but instead of finding a new teacher and standing in my integrity, I opted out by stepping in a big hole at school and tore the ligaments off my ankle.

Finding a mentor or going through an experience that consistently focuses on the negative aspects of yourself is not always a good thing.   Growing into myself has been hard work and lets face it there are already so many voices in your own head without someone else adding in their opinions.  There is a fine balance between recognizing that within yourself that needs to be transmuted and that which you need to accept and move on.   So how do you know when its time to end a part of your journey? Its actually easier to recognize than what you think.  It may not always be something you see, but it is something that you feel.   When you start to hide parts of yourself that you no longer want to share.  When you begin to move away from your authentic self to please others.  When you start to feel resentment from what was once heart felt advice.  When you start to find distractions and excuses to avoid what used to take up a lot of your time and energy.  That’s when you know it is time. However finding the courage to move out of your discomfort is another story for another day.

Honor the teachers in your life, good and bad because they all provide experiences and opportunity to grow.  I have no idea what lays ahead of me but I know I am standing in my power.  I am armed with knowledge, experience and wisdom. Whatever life throws at me now I know I am not going to be that girl that falls in a hole ever again. If you are a person that wants to inspire others, then you must be inspiring.  If you want to help others then you must be authentic.  If you want to stand in your power, then you must action your words.  If you want to grow you must be prepared to face your fears.  Embrace the shadow side of yourself and be prepared for some resistance.  If you want to help the world then start with yourself.

Remember the end of one journey is just an opportunity for the beginning of another.

 

I Have Lynch Syndrome

I Have Lynch Syndrome

I was a normal six year old girl enjoying a carefree life, laughing with my friends, and starting my second year at primary school. I was Daddy’s little princess and my life literally changed overnight. My childhood was ripped away from me and the harsh reality of Dad’s death stole my innocence. It all seemed to happen so fast — my tiny little head did not have time to take in the reality of it all. Having been diagnosed in December of 1977 with a secondary bowel cancer, my Dad died four months later at the age of 36 in April 1978. After my Dad’s death, I was thrown into a world of grief; I no longer had my Dad to comfort and to hug me. I no longer had my Dad to read me bedtime stories, to tuck me into bed at night, to praise me after my ballet concerts, or to hold my little hand when we went for a walk. Unbeknownst to me at the time, my Dad had Lynch syndrome.

Experiencing the death of a parent at a young age is certainly a character building experience and can be the catalyst for a young girl to develop “daddy issues”. These daddy issues manifested themselves in the form of  manipulation and promiscuous behaviors during my teenage years. I sought father figures in all my male relationships throughout my twenties, which only led to broken partnerships and a failed marriage. Independence was my armor and I gave power to the masculine side of myself and not necessarily in a healthy or productive way. I consciously quelled the very essence of my feminine side down. I feared I was weak, could easily be hurt, and was vulnerable — I was a survivor who needed to be in control.

My second marriage came with its own set of challenges. Despite our backgrounds and former spouses, our union seemed strong but after ten years of financial pressure, challenging teenage stepchildren and two babies of our own I had started seeking a way out. I began with riding my bike taking every opportunity to escape. I had commenced self-development class once a week in the hope of rediscovering myself, picked up a part-time job, which got me out of the house mainly at nights and on weekends because blended family time was finally taking its toll. I just couldn’t do it anymore. It broke my heart to be despised in my own home every fortnight; I was at a complete loss. The environment around me was becoming so toxic and I didn’t know how to fix it. If I really wanted to self sabotage my life the Universe was about to give me a permanent way out if I chose to accept it.

You know when you just know certain things? Well, my intuition knew that I had cancer even before the doctor’s appointment. My husband and I went up to the mountains and sat quietly in a little tea house. We held hands, cried and made a promise to each other that no matter what the diagnosis we would get through it together. We walked to a small gift shop and I was drawn to purchase a beautiful aquamarine pendant. I didn’t know at the time but the benefit of using this crystal is that it aids you to let go of emotional issues from your past that you have been holding on to. When I paid for the pendant we started talking to the owner of the shop, she just happened to ask what my star sign was. When the word “Cancer” fell out of my mouth I just knew the heaviness in my heart was a fear I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to face. It wasn’t just my star sign, that same afternoon my doctor confirmed I had stomach cancer.

 During treatment and surgery something beautiful happened. That little girl that lost her Father resurfaced. She finally had an opportunity to grieve the loss of her Dad. She looked into her own children’s eyes at night and felt the heartache her Dad must have felt, knowing he was not going to see her grow up. She had time to sit on the floor and play with her boys. She had to hand all the masculine stuff over to her husband from the running of the house to the organising of everyone’s life. She only had one job – to get her adult self well so she could love and guide her little boys into men. The cancer diagnosis exposed the my feminine side that had been so carefully hidden high in my subconscious for so long, had finally re-emerged, and spilled back over into my life.

I took my power back, faced my own mortality, beat the statistics, and chose to live a life of self awareness. My feminine side was not to be feared. She is kind, nurturing, creative, healing, and most of all incredibly powerful. Allowing the creative side of myself to explore my emotions through art was my modality for healing during my illness. Painting was my passion prior to my illness but the work I was starting to produce began surprising me.

Yes, I have Lynch syndrome, but it does not take over every thought of every minute of my life. I am not my genes and I am most certainly not the cancer. I have used the experience to empower my life and to make a difference. I count, I am a survivor but I am also a creator, a healer, a mother and a wife. I am grateful for the knowledge of my genetics because I can now be a proactive, a happier person who doesn’t sit in drama or sweat the small stuff. My perspective and ability to bring hope and healing to others through my experience and my artwork has changed my life. The cancer and the Lynch syndrome diagnosis have opened my eyes, saved my marriage and awakened me to possibilities far beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

Michelle Lykokapis
Melbourne, Australia
http://michellepotter.com.au

 

But You Look Great!

But You Look Great!

Truthfully, people say this alot and I’m not just saying it.  If you can pull through a very serious illness and inspire others by walking the talk then I am very humbled by the complement.  The life I choose to live is a healthy, proactive, productive and positive one and when I walk out into the world this is the face I would hope most people see.  

However, with every ray of light there is a shadow and that is also what I have had to accept and to learn to live with with eveyday. Having gone through the physical, emotional and financial experience of cancer it is not uncommon for people to come and ask for my help.  I would average at least one person a month either asking me to call their friend or requesting my number “to give to such and such’.  I am a loving, caring person but in all honesty I simply cant. Not just for my own health and well-being but I am not a professional counselor.  Don’t get me wrong, I do understand the importance of  being able to connect to someone when you are going through a tough emotional time or not coping with prescribed treatment, but there are structures within society that will assist those that need it.
 
Just like most of us, it takes me all my own energy to get through each and everyday and I would hope people understand that one can only extend themselves so far.  For me life has always got to be about boundaries and balance. It is actually a critical part of my life now and I don’t expect people to understand unless they have lived through this surgery and have the looming threat of cancer over their heads.  I discovered through my journey I have a genetic disorder called Lynch Syndrome. In a nutshell I have a faulty cancer protective gene which is in each and every cell of my body. This means I am far more likely to develop one or more cancers throughout my lifetime as this is the more dominant gene in the cell. So, you see I live with the threat of disease everyday of my life. As proactive and as positive as I am nothing helps the anxiety leading up to quarterly blood tests,yearly scans and intrusive procedures. I will never be ‘over’ cancer, this is something my human side has to deal with for the rest of my life, period
 
I wanted to give back to society after my illness so I put a structure in place to be able to do that. I created a Support Group on Facebook called https://www.facebook.com/SupportGroupForPartialTotalGastrectomyPatients for people who live with partial or no stomach.  Along with four other administrators (all stomachless) I am able to help people on a daily basis just by living my life and sharing personal experiences and information.  I do not extend myself further than that unless someone locally with stomach cancer comes through the No Stomach for Cancer website (http://www.nostomachforcancer.org) , my GP, my surgeon or my oncologist.  For my own sanity and to stay out of the depths of other peoples despair this is just one boundary I am constantly having to uphold. 
As well as being extremely lucky, I am also not your average type of girl. I am committed to do the work on myself to evolve. I believe anything is possible and I want to express myself and inspire people through my artwork and hopefully light a few internal flames in those who are searching for more than this human experience,  I have committed myself in spiritual meditation classes for over five years and I’ve had to do alot of self healing and releasing during that time. The more I define myself the clearer the decisions and choices I have to make.  This includes finding that cold compassion with people and being able to detach from those who are no longer a reflection of me, no matter how long they have been a part of my life.  Letting go of the past is incredibly difficult and emotionally hard, but for those committed on this journey of higher consciousness there is no room for illusion just the truth.  It takes a lot of hard work spiritually, emotionally and physically to ‘ Look Great’. So when someone pays me this complement, I know I’ve earned it!