Every time someone unsubscribes from my mailing list my heart dies just a little. When Mail Chimp sends me my stats and someone has hit that unsubscribe button (and I see you, name and all) my inner child silently says goodbye, grabs a box of tissues and has a quiet cry in the corner.
You see, I’m lucky if I send about four newsletters a year so it’s not like one of those annoying promos that you sign up to and then your inbox gets a constant stream of unwanted notifications. And yes I have my days where seeking a more permanent source of income would be far easier on my bank account than trying to make myself stand out in a sea of other artists. Social media seems to be a big black hole of never ending self promotion and finding the next ‘best way’ to be seen. I find it all absolutely exhausting and days like today I just want to throw my hands up in the air and open up the SEEK app.
I’ll be the first to tell you I undercharge, much to my own detriment. ‘Why?’ To get business, hell I even do stuff for free to get my name out there. The last mural that spanned across four full days…….yep zip, zero, zilch. Who works for free these days, practically nobody. It frustrates me when I see people pay a lot more for what I would consider very mediocre work. Meanwhile the bills keep piling up on the fridge and my husband is working his fingers to the very bone so we can keep our heads above the water. I feel an enormous amount of guilt not being able to contribute anything substantial to the family income. So I concentrate on expanding my knowledge, stretching my skills and I work on improving my craft every single day. Every single day.
Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love what I do and the expectations I put on myself are enormous. There is always a hope that perhaps that next painting, that next Facebook post, that next Instagram picture is going to be my big break. It’s completely exhausting and some days (like today) soul destroying. Yes sure, I have some small wins but it feels a bit like body surfing. You think you’re about to catch the perfect wave but the water recedes just before the wave has its chance to break. It’s like the Universe gives you a glimpse of all the possibilities but never enough traction to make the difference.
So just for today I’ll give myself a bit of self care and tomorrow I’ll put my big girl panties on and start again.
……… and if you want to hear from me feel free to join my mailing list!
I was reminded last week that when we fear success we actually block it from happening. This can happen with so many things that our hearts desire. Loosing weight, a loving relationship, a fantastic career.
We find subtle ways (and not so subtle ways) to self sabotage so we don’t reach that success. Why? Personally, I feel its because we don’t like to embrace change. Perhaps we think we do, but when we get down to the nuts and bolts most of us like living in our familiar comfortable discomfort. Maybe loosing weight will make you feel and look more attractive. This might make you unconsciously uncomfortable. In your mind you don’t know how you are going to deal with accepting compliments or maybe you are afraid of attracting the wrong attention. So a cycle begins. A committed week of 3 gym sessions and monitoring every morsel ends with a big piece of cake and a large glass of wine. You deserved it right? We can justify this sabotage because we look at it as a reward.
My fear of success stems from the feeling that I actually don’t deserve it. This has been reinforced throughout my life by others who have taken it upon themselves to put me down (probably just stemming from their own insecurities). From my younger years as a ballet dancer, to my short drama career, a massage therapist to finally finding my creative outlet through art. It gets embedded into your psyche even though as an adult I logically see things for what they are.
How many of you have positive affirmations that you look at daily? How many self help books have you read (or have sitting on your bedside table collecting dust.) How many courses have you done and yet you are still the perpetual student. Until you step out of fear and actually start to implement everything into your life they are just words not worth the paper they are written on. This in itself makes me want to take the horse by the reins.
I have come to realize that if I don’t step through my fear and just let go of controlling the outcome then how can I possibly inspire other people? By simply blogging about this it might light the spark in someone else. What if I had decided to just keep all this in my head this morning and go on with my day?
Being a creative, emotional critter I wear my heart on my sleeve. A nasty comment can have me retreating back into my shell quicker than a tortoise being poked with a stick. My reality is I have had an extremely hard life. If every sin carries its own punishment then I have worked through life times of karma this time around. This has made me a sensitive soul, and I have to be very vigilant in protecting my sovereign space. Stepping out onto the stage leaves me open and vulnerable to the opinions and judgment of others. My adult self is very encouraging and fully supportive, my inner child however is teetering around the edges of the pool (and has been for a while).
If I jump in what is life going to look like on the other side of success? I’m not really sure yet but I’m about to leap in and see. 3, 2, 1 JUMP !
I’ve never been a huge one for journaling. Infact way back in High School the only subject I ever really loved was Drama and I still managed to get an average mark because I couldn’t keep up a weekly entry. Although I did go through a couple of teenage years keeping my deepest darkest secrets locked up in a little book. That was until I realized my little brother (and probably my mother) were keeping tabs on what I was writing. Now when I blog, which is not that often, I hope that I come from a place of wisdom and understanding and that my readers can relate. Not much seems to be private these days. Running a business that requires so much online presence and a support group for gastrectomy patients most of my exterior life is already exposed. But not many people see the inner life that goes on within me everyday. My true nature, my authentic self, the parts of me which are vulnerable and must stay protected. My words are not just words, they are are like fine cracks in which the light from the inside can shine out.
I was walking through the second hand store on Saturday looking for a good book to get stuck into. I love the smell of old books and the way they feel in my hands. An entirely new adventure or avenue of learning just waiting in between those pages. What I found so hard was finding one that grabbed my attention. So many books, so many words and so many of them the same. In the end at $2 an adventure who cares if I don’t finish it right? Unfortunately, I am not that girl. Once I have committed to something I like to see it through to the very end.
How do you know when you are at the very end of something? A book is easy because you turn the last page and there are no more words to read. Life, however is very different. Six years ago, just prior to getting stomach cancer I was in a very deep dark place in my life. My inner world was conflicted and consumed with a lot of negative emotion. I had been there before many times during my life, all with different degrees of trauma. Parts of me were so consumed with darkness that I could not see a way out. At the time I didn’t realize that this was all part of my initiation to ‘awakening’. I could transmute this negative situation or I could just leave and try again in my next life. So like the hero in all those books, I traveled through the darkest caves, fought the hardest fights, grieved and cried rivers of tears and came out the other side bloody, scared and exhausted. But what happens to the hero once they come out victorious? I can tell you from experience, that’s when the real work starts.
Something always prompts me to blog and this is no exception. About four weeks ago I chose to end a journey in my life. This was by no means a reactive decision, more an accumulation of years of learning and a general sense that it was time to move to a new adventure. I truly feel that for this part of my life I have been given enough tools to go it alone. Its like having all those hours of driving experience with someone sitting in the passenger seat and now, with my full license, I can hit the open road and see how far it takes me. A very important trigger to making this decision was brought on by a situation in which I found myself experiencing some of that very old pre-cancer emotion. Yes, I picked up a book I had read before and I did not want to read it again! The process that went on in my head, heart and my body took two weeks to work through. You see, I already knew the end result of that experience and I had no desire to go back there.
Part of me had to revisit not only the experience but also how I responded. After investing in years of self development classes I was certain that those emotions had been released from my body and was very surprised when they surfaced again. This also made me start to think about the teachers in my life. Not just the physical teachers, the lessons that keep crossing my path until I change direction. When I was 3 years old I started classical ballet lessons. I continued to dance for thirteen years and was one exam away from reaching the top level of the Cecchetti method when, at sixteen years old, I twisted my ankle so badly it put an end to my dancing career.
My ballet instructor was an exceptional teacher and I expect I was also an excellent student. Although she never made me feel that way. If I was doing everything right but there was one time I didn’t turn out my leg, she would find fault with that one turn. I would dance until I was exhausted and if you weren’t ready to put 110% into each and every class, it was better to not turn up at all. For years I yearned for her approval and praise. She obviously saw the potential in me, but never encouraged me with positive words or recognition. In order to push me to grow she constantly pointed out my flaws and I never wanted to let her down. I didn’t realize it at the time but instead of finding a new teacher and standing in my integrity, I opted out by stepping in a big hole at school and tore the ligaments off my ankle.
Finding a mentor or going through an experience that consistently focuses on the negative aspects of yourself is not always a good thing. Growing into myself has been hard work and lets face it there are already so many voices in your own head without someone else adding in their opinions. There is a fine balance between recognizing that within yourself that needs to be transmuted and that which you need to accept and move on. So how do you know when its time to end a part of your journey? Its actually easier to recognize than what you think. It may not always be something you see, but it is something that you feel. When you start to hide parts of yourself that you no longer want to share. When you begin to move away from your authentic self to please others. When you start to feel resentment from what was once heart felt advice. When you start to find distractions and excuses to avoid what used to take up a lot of your time and energy. That’s when you know it is time. However finding the courage to move out of your discomfort is another story for another day.
Honor the teachers in your life, good and bad because they all provide experiences and opportunity to grow. I have no idea what lays ahead of me but I know I am standing in my power. I am armed with knowledge, experience and wisdom. Whatever life throws at me now I know I am not going to be that girl that falls in a hole ever again. If you are a person that wants to inspire others, then you must be inspiring. If you want to help others then you must be authentic. If you want to stand in your power, then you must action your words. If you want to grow you must be prepared to face your fears. Embrace the shadow side of yourself and be prepared for some resistance. If you want to help the world then start with yourself.
Remember the end of one journey is just an opportunity for the beginning of another.
An opportunity to grow. A second chance to embrace a life I once very much took for granted. A time to connect with others that share similar stories to my own, and a time to grieve all those new friends that haven’t been as lucky as I have. I don’t know why I survived and they didn’t. I cry for their partners, their children and their families but I know, given the chance, they would all want me to live the life I have been blessed with. I never thought that this is what my soul path would look like. I never thought I would be here in this moment, sitting in a plane. Im on my way home with my family after having the opportunity to create some wonderful memories.
As with most people, life goes on and people busy themselves again with work, family and friends, but for those that experience massive trauma something on the inside changes. Only those that go through this transition truly understand the cosmic collision of reality and the illusion of life that is sometimes played out like a Hollywood movie. Drama becomes trivial and we no longer care for those that create it. Only true friendships remain after the storm, and new relationships are based on wisdom, experience and clarity. The veils are lifted and what is left is a stark new reality of how those who have experienced trauma choose to live.
Take a tsunami as an example. The wave is a huge gush of emotion, it totally wipes just about everything out. Everyone rallies right after the disaster. Relief teams comes flooding in from everywhere to help. The people feel very cared for and supported, but it is short lived relief. After a time facilities have been put in place so people leave and get on with their lives. They are initially impacted by the tragedy but their own personal lives pretty much go on the same. However the people hit by the tsunami must rebuild. They must grief friends and family they may have lost. They have not only the practical to implement, some may even reassess their entire belief system. After all, what type of God would cause this much devastation in a persons life?
Rebuilding your mind, body and spirit takes time. Through personal experience I can tell you it takes years. You are left raw and vulnerable and grieving so many things that sometimes it’s hard to know where to start. You have no choice but to change. I don’t expect others to understand or respect the decisions I make. My decision making can sometimes be viewed upon as cold and unforgiving but I am neither. I make decisions based on my circumstances to forge boundaries and protect myself. I can only do this with the information and knowledge that I have in front of me. Tomorrow may bring new light to situations and as a person with integrity I will accept my indeficiencies as a human being and search for forgiveness if I have made mistakes. My health is and always will be a fine balance. My philosophy is simple. Treat me with kindness and understanding and I will show you the same respect.
We all have a story, and we all manage to survive it in our own way. The last five years have been tough. Financially, medically, emotionally, physically and spiritually. It has redefined who I am. I have stepped into the person I was always supposed to be and it has been one tough initiation. So now I look to a future without fear of failure. For there is no such thing, only another day to begin again.
This quote came up on my news-feed on Facebook this morning and got me to thinking. There is still the belief that people expect you to be a tree hugging hippie because you are living a ‘spiritual life’. It is like the shadow of religious dogma coming down on you again and people having the perception that because you believe in a higher consciousness that you should walk around being a ‘nice’ person. I’m not sure why they feel you should turn the other cheek and forgive unconditionally then diss you if you don’t.
From my experience, when you start to walk in your truth, when you decide to put boundaries in your life, when you start to honor your space first you may not appear to those around you like a nice person. You may actually appear like a very selfish one. The reason this occurs is because you start to change and shift and people don’t like that. They either have to change themselves to continue to be a reflection of you or you leave them behind, which in turn can bring up lots of negative feelings for them. There are plenty of victims in life and when you shine the light on their bad behavior or no longer tolerate their dramas then they feel they have no other option than to deflect the responsibility of their actions and bad mouth you. Its like being voted off the Island on the game of Survivor! You can loose entire friendship circles, family members, work colleges. It can sometimes feel like a purging by fire only you do not come out Daenerys Targaryen and you are not the Mother of Dragons!
Instead you are left with a lightness which can feel like a void. What are you going to possibly do with all this time now you don’t have to sit there in drama? You are going to get out and live the creative life you were born to live, that’s what you are going to do. Find your purpose, reconnect with your spirit, do things that make you happy and love those important people in your life that make your heart smile. Embrace the shadow side of yourself, for there is no Yin without Yang. Learn how to read your negative thoughts and pull them apart piece by piece until you locate the real reason why you feel like you do. Self truth is an incredibly confronting thing and it pushes you out of your comfort zone. Not everyone is ready for that, and that is why not everyone is ready to go on a ‘spiritual journey’. I’m not going to lie, it can sometimes make you feel very alone especially around those special milestones when you realize that you no longer have enough genuine ‘friends and family’ to invite to fill a room to help you celebrate.
If being real has lost me friends, then I know the one’s I have gained since and continue to meet are the ones I allow to enter into my sacred space. I still struggle and like all humans I have an inner craving to be accepted. The last six years of my life has seemed like a tidal wave, all the old was washed away and I am more confident with who I am and why I am here, and realize that I may not always appear to be ‘nice’, but I’m okay with that.
Welcome to my website. My name is Michelle Potter and I am an Australian Artist based in Melbourne, Victoria.
I am a keen student of life and a self confessed butterfly, however there is nothing more grounding than lived experience!
There are so many avenues for creativity and healing and I feel grateful that my life has presented opportunities to explore what works for me, and in turn pass this onto those who want to create positive life changes.
I believe there is no greater moment than when you stand in your creative power.
