It was 2012, I was asked to be part of advertisement from my health insurer BUPA Australia. The film maker was genuinely interested in my story. We met up for coffee after my interview and he was discussing my art. He said “I don’t want to see whats in here” pointing to his head, “I want to see what you can do from here”, pointing to his heart.
It had been several months after my surgery and hadn’t yet started pastel art classes. Up until this time I thought I was painting from my heart, so I was a bit confused. I had started a painting of a peacock and it sat untouched for two years after this coffee catch up. Yes. it took another 2 years worth of arting before I truly understand what he meant!
The start of my peacock painting.
Part of the creative, learning, pathway is finding your authenticity. Your style, your mark, your reason. Something that defines you as an artist.
As a beginner, which I was at the time, I was copying from other artists. A bit from here and a bit from there, and there is nothing wrong with that, as we all have to start somewhere. I still take courses from other artists and absolutely love it, it keeps my creative flow going without the brain power. However the only way to find your own style is through an openness to learn and lots of practice.
There is a real vulnerability in trying something new. What if I fail? What if my art is crap? What if people laugh at me? What if people tell me I’m wasting my time? Am I wasting my time? Am I too old to learn something new? I don’t really have what it takes? I’m sure there has been a time in every one’s life when you may have said things like this to yourself.
Let’s look from a slightly different perspective. What if I’m really good at this? What have I got to lose by trying? What if this opens doors for me that I never thought possible? Does this make me feel good? Does this challenge me? Do, I really care what anyone else thinks? Does it light me up inside? And also in my case- What if I have been given a second chance and I don’t use it?
One thing I never thought I would get out of my cancer experience, was a real sense of joy, strength and determination.
Old Michelle lacked self confidence. She would never step too far out of her comfort zone (this was her self protection mechanism). She would self sabotage. This included lots of negative self talk. She never did anything if she thought she would fail at it. She struggled with boundaries and communication. She craved ‘me time’ but in a negative destructive drunk teenager kind of way. She was pretty angry and frustrated with life and swallowed that shit down like hot lava. (Honestly I’m not surprised the cancer ended up in my stomach). All smiles on the outside, but on the inside she was really, really unhappy.
Here I was thinking the world was conspiring against me and then BAM! You want out, here’s your opportunity. You want to be skinny, you don’t know what skinny is. You want your life to be completely different, hold on baby you’re in for one hell of a ride. WARNING: Be careful what you wish for.
Cancer gives you an opportunity to review your life. Parts of you are left exposed. Parts of you are vulnerable. Parts are angry, confused, grieving and at the same time new parts start to open up. You find gratitude in small gestures and the kindness of strangers. Points of unbearable pain make you appreciate just being able to wake up and have an unaided shower. If you embrace the unknown journey ahead then you can gain great insight and clarity into your own life. In among the chaos you have an opportunity to find your authentic self. Difficult times make you stretch further than you think is humanly possible. This is why, I believe, you have your biggest growth during your toughest times.
My art journey started because when I got creative, it made me feel good. Taking the next step and going to class helped me connect with other artists as well as helping me learn the basics. It was a big step to do something just for me. I had two primary age children at home and a lot of responsibility when my husband went back to work after my illness. But I quickly started to realise that it was really important that I make time for me. I wasn’t just a wife, mother and step mum. Before all that responsibility entered my life, I was just Michelle, me. Now I had to navigate what life looked like without a stomach. I had to rediscover who I was again and what was my new normal. Surly if I could learn how to live without a stomach I could learn a new craft?
I like that my styles and mediums can change, as long as I embrace my authentic self while discovering it.
My first reminder is to do what lights me up. If it’s painting one week and pottery the next then that’s what it is. The world needs butterflies as much as it needs bees (metaphorically that is).
My second reminder is to create for the pure pleasure of doing it. When the tide goes out on a project, just let it go! It’s bound to come back in again and when it does you’ll have lots of new ideas to add to it.
My third thing to reminder is that I know who I am and what I’m good at, and I don’t need any outside validation to feel good about myself. I will find my tribe and they will find me.
Remember there is enough work out there for everyone. If you use somebody’s artwork for inspiration then make sure that you credit them. If you do a class with another artist, then make sure you credit them. If you love another artist work, make sure that you share their work and credit them. If you share an image on your socials, well you get the idea, credit the artist!
The art community is a small community and if we can help each other and build each other up then maybe we can inspire others to get creative as well.
Win-win.
The world needs more artists.
