Most of us make life so complicated, like a pressure cooker of expectations all thrown together in a massive soup of exhaustion and stress. Then all of a sudden, your body screams STOP and you have no choice because the Universe does it for you.
If you have ever been through a cancer journey, then you would understand the weight of getting through another year.I rarely announce it anymore, because those that don’t understand may look at the celebration as an opportunity of glorifying my own self-importance.Lots of people get through cancer right? Just get over it already.Quoting Kerwin Rae ‘ Your problems don’t make you special because everyone’s got them.’ *BTW actually a really good article. The problem is, this is not like a cold or flu.You don’t just get over cancer and get on with life like it never happened.
The fall out from my surgery has been huge, more than anyone around me can appreciate let alone understand.Not only did I discover that I carry a genetic predisposition for gastrointestinal cancers, I have gone ahead and had preventative surgery to eliminate some of them.Do you know how many organs the human body can live without? I certainly do because I’m missing quite a few of them.
I never thought that becoming a Light-worker would be quite so literal.I joke about being a pure chancel of light and that the only thing they cannot surgically remove is my sense of humor.I even like to tell people if I was abducted by aliens they would transport me back thinking they’d accidentally picked up one of their own!
So lets fast forward to 2018. This was the first year in 7 years (colonoscopy/endoscopy excluded) that I did not have to go under any major anesthetics.I managed to keep all my organs and only lost a few nasty polyps, good riddance to those.Then in November I started to develop tinnitus. A constant ringing in my ears that would drive anyone crazy.One night I went to bed and the ON switch in my brain got stuck.
If there is one thing that my cancer and gastrectomy taught me it was to be my own advocate.To be aware that there are many options out there to try and to never give up if one thing doesn’t work.Even when the experts in the field tell you ‘There is nothing further we can do, go home and learn to live with it.’ I consider myself a walking miracle so if I can find my way through to a solution then I will do everything I can to find it.I have become a seeker.
Not all questions can be answered with Western medical solutions and other times we have to wait for technology to catch up.In the meantime, it is important to find new ways of being.If this new condition has taught me anything it is that I really need to look after myself more.Its like a forced holiday but with self-care. I now sleep with BOSS Sleep buds.An expensive but necessary part of keeping my sanity.I have been meditating, soaking my feet in epson salts, fine tuning my supplements and giving myself time to ground my feet in the Earth and sit in nature.
Being your own best advocate also means being pro-active.Go to the doctor, have all the required tests.Anxiety and PTSD in cancer patients can take an enormous toll on your mental health and well-being.To many sleepless nights and I know I am unable to function as a human being. Seek help where you need it but do not look to others for the answers.Sometimes its about listening to your own inner voice and following your intuition.
Remembering each experience, good or bad is just an experience.If you can learn what works for you then you can share your findings with others.Sometimes just having one person who understands you can make all the difference in the world.
I do not understand why this is happening to me now, but I can tell you it is making me step out of my comfort zone and forcing me to seek out new and different things.It is hard work, annoying, frustrating and uncomfortable because I like routine, organization and knowing what tomorrow is going to bring.I’m not going to lie, when this first started it completely sucked the sparkle out of me and I just managed to grab hold before I went into an uncontrolled tail spin of depression.
I have to remind myself that every time I am forced to jump in feet first I learn something incredibly new about myself.As Gabby Bernstein suggests there are many moments where obstacles are opportunities to see things differently and I choose to see this as a detour in the right direction.
What do you do when the best version of yourself is never enough for someone else?
This belief pattern started when I was eight years old. My mum met and married a man after a whirlwind romance. My father’s replacement would literally put his hand out and hold me at arm’s length when I went to give him a hug.This rejection caused my little heart to cry with despair. After losing my father to cancer a couple of years prior all I was looking for was his unconditional love and affection.I couldn’t change want I wanted, I was just a kid.
I fell in love at twenty and married a man whose attention was anywhere other than the relationship he had committed to.Reinforcing the belief that the best version of me was not worth loving and was never going to be good enough for anyone.
My second husband and I met at work. As like attracts like, we were thrown together by the Universe with our pending divorces and emotional distress.After a few false starts we decided to try and make a go of it.Here’s the irony, I thought he was the one that came with baggage!I had cut ties from my ex and saw myself as a childless, free spirit ready to explore the world of the Thirty somethings.Whereas he came with two young children, parents steeped in tradition and an ex-wife, who for the sake of the children was still very much in the picture.
With the addition of two impressionable girls into my life I did not want to repeat the experiences I had as a child.So, I always went over and above to make them feel comfortable, welcome and loved.You could say at that time I had a Wonder Woman complex.If I wasn’t organized, then I couldn’t control the outcome.If I couldn’t control the outcome, well that thought was terrifying.I was conscious of needing to feel accepted and I was literally stuck in a pattern of old belief systems that were self-destructive. I was on a collision course heading for disaster.
Eleven years into our relationship I was diagnosed with stomach cancer. At the time circumstances would have it that neither of my step daughters wanted a relationship with me.I felt totally and utterly defeated.A crescendo of years’ worth of self-sacrifice and desperation to be loved.The ultra-best version of me was never going to be good enough, ever.So where did this leave me?What lesson was I not learning here? Why did each karmic challenge seem more heart wrenching and harder to pull through? This one contributing to and almost costing me my life.
The original wound of my eight-year-old self was still playing out and cancer was my opportunity to fully awaken and see things very clearly.It was never about the people that rejected me, they were just the mirror of what I didn’t want to see in myself.Being brave enough to confront my old beliefs allowed me to understand that I have purpose and no longer needed to look outside of myself for love, acceptance or validation.
I love my authentic self and thank my teachers in life for helping me find her.
Every time someone unsubscribes from my mailing list my heart dies just a little. When Mail Chimp sends me my stats and someone has hit that unsubscribe button (and I see you, name and all) my inner child silently says goodbye, grabs a box of tissues and has a quiet cry in the corner.
You see, I’m lucky if I send about four newsletters a year so it’s not like one of those annoying promos that you sign up to and then your inbox gets a constant stream of unwanted notifications. And yes I have my days where seeking a more permanent source of income would be far easier on my bank account than trying to make myself stand out in a sea of other artists. Social media seems to be a big black hole of never ending self promotion and finding the next ‘best way’ to be seen. I find it all absolutely exhausting and days like today I just want to throw my hands up in the air and open up the SEEK app.
I’ll be the first to tell you I undercharge, much to my own detriment. ‘Why?’ To get business, hell I even do stuff for free to get my name out there. The last mural that spanned across four full days…….yep zip, zero, zilch. Who works for free these days, practically nobody. It frustrates me when I see people pay a lot more for what I would consider very mediocre work. Meanwhile the bills keep piling up on the fridge and my husband is working his fingers to the very bone so we can keep our heads above the water. I feel an enormous amount of guilt not being able to contribute anything substantial to the family income. So I concentrate on expanding my knowledge, stretching my skills and I work on improving my craft every single day. Every single day.
Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love what I do and the expectations I put on myself are enormous. There is always a hope that perhaps that next painting, that next Facebook post, that next Instagram picture is going to be my big break. It’s completely exhausting and some days (like today) soul destroying. Yes sure, I have some small wins but it feels a bit like body surfing. You think you’re about to catch the perfect wave but the water recedes just before the wave has its chance to break. It’s like the Universe gives you a glimpse of all the possibilities but never enough traction to make the difference.
So just for today I’ll give myself a bit of self care and tomorrow I’ll put my big girl panties on and start again.
……… and if you want to hear from me feel free to join my mailing list!
Hi, I’m Michelle. I thought I would reintroduce myself to everyone. In 2011 my world changed forever. Not only did I survive stomach cancer I also discovered I live with Lynch Syndrome, also known as hereditary nonpolyposis colorectal cancer. For anyone who has carries a genetic predisposition there is a lot of anxiety attached to it.
I attended self development for many years, have read a pile of books, connected with others living in similar circumstances and have spent an awful amount of time in my head. In my newsletter I wrote “One of the things I will take away from 2017 is that I have tried very hard to be a bee over the last few years. Encouragement pushing me in that direction has only made me more conflicted and aware that I was trying to be something I was not. My business was not gaining momentum because of what I was projecting and I know now that that was not my authentic self, rather a productive version of me that I felt I had to be in order to be successful. All the while I was unconsciously projecting the very fear of success I was afraid of by not being true to myself. “
This has been a confronting year of truth and as Kerwin Rae says ‘Just trust the path as you go.’ Doing things through fear has held me back because I believed that I had to find one thing and be great at that. But, I am not one thing, I am many things and I can BE all of them. It has taken some serious life lessons to realize I just need to be me.
Fact, I live without a stomach everyday and some days are more challenging than others. My art is my healing space and my time to create for others. I am a mother, a wife, a cancer survivor, a healer, a writer, an artist, an explorer, a creator, a business woman and a friend. In order to live to my full potential I need to accept all of me without self judgment.
So with excited uncertainty I do not know where the path is going to take me in 2018 but I know I will be embracing it with both hands. ?❤️??
I was reminded last week that when we fear success we actually block it from happening. This can happen with so many things that our hearts desire. Loosing weight, a loving relationship, a fantastic career.
We find subtle ways (and not so subtle ways) to self sabotage so we don’t reach that success. Why? Personally, I feel its because we don’t like to embrace change. Perhaps we think we do, but when we get down to the nuts and bolts most of us like living in our familiar comfortable discomfort. Maybe loosing weight will make you feel and look more attractive. This might make you unconsciously uncomfortable. In your mind you don’t know how you are going to deal with accepting compliments or maybe you are afraid of attracting the wrong attention. So a cycle begins. A committed week of 3 gym sessions and monitoring every morsel ends with a big piece of cake and a large glass of wine. You deserved it right? We can justify this sabotage because we look at it as a reward.
My fear of success stems from the feeling that I actually don’t deserve it. This has been reinforced throughout my life by others who have taken it upon themselves to put me down (probably just stemming from their own insecurities). From my younger years as a ballet dancer, to my short drama career, a massage therapist to finally finding my creative outlet through art. It gets embedded into your psyche even though as an adult I logically see things for what they are.
How many of you have positive affirmations that you look at daily? How many self help books have you read (or have sitting on your bedside table collecting dust.) How many courses have you done and yet you are still the perpetual student. Until you step out of fear and actually start to implement everything into your life they are just words not worth the paper they are written on. This in itself makes me want to take the horse by the reins.
I have come to realize that if I don’t step through my fear and just let go of controlling the outcome then how can I possibly inspire other people? By simply blogging about this it might light the spark in someone else. What if I had decided to just keep all this in my head this morning and go on with my day?
Being a creative, emotional critter I wear my heart on my sleeve. A nasty comment can have me retreating back into my shell quicker than a tortoise being poked with a stick. My reality is I have had an extremely hard life. If every sin carries its own punishment then I have worked through life times of karma this time around. This has made me a sensitive soul, and I have to be very vigilant in protecting my sovereign space. Stepping out onto the stage leaves me open and vulnerable to the opinions and judgment of others. My adult self is very encouraging and fully supportive, my inner child however is teetering around the edges of the pool (and has been for a while).
If I jump in what is life going to look like on the other side of success? I’m not really sure yet but I’m about to leap in and see. 3, 2, 1 JUMP !
I’ve never been a huge one for journaling. Infact way back in High School the only subject I ever really loved was Drama and I still managed to get an average mark because I couldn’t keep up a weekly entry. Although I did go through a couple of teenage years keeping my deepest darkest secrets locked up in a little book. That was until I realized my little brother (and probably my mother) were keeping tabs on what I was writing. Now when I blog, which is not that often, I hope that I come from a place of wisdom and understanding and that my readers can relate. Not much seems to be private these days. Running a business that requires so much online presence and a support group for gastrectomy patients most of my exterior life is already exposed. But not many people see the inner life that goes on within me everyday. My true nature, my authentic self, the parts of me which are vulnerable and must stay protected. My words are not just words, they are are like fine cracks in which the light from the inside can shine out.
I was walking through the second hand store on Saturday looking for a good book to get stuck into. I love the smell of old books and the way they feel in my hands. An entirely new adventure or avenue of learning just waiting in between those pages. What I found so hard was finding one that grabbed my attention. So many books, so many words and so many of them the same. In the end at $2 an adventure who cares if I don’t finish it right? Unfortunately, I am not that girl. Once I have committed to something I like to see it through to the very end.
How do you know when you are at the very end of something? A book is easy because you turn the last page and there are no more words to read. Life, however is very different. Six years ago, just prior to getting stomach cancer I was in a very deep dark place in my life. My inner world was conflicted and consumed with a lot of negative emotion. I had been there before many times during my life, all with different degrees of trauma. Parts of me were so consumed with darkness that I could not see a way out. At the time I didn’t realize that this was all part of my initiation to ‘awakening’. I could transmute this negative situation or I could just leave and try again in my next life. So like the hero in all those books, I traveled through the darkest caves, fought the hardest fights, grieved and cried rivers of tears and came out the other side bloody, scared and exhausted. But what happens to the hero once they come out victorious? I can tell you from experience, that’s when the real work starts.
Something always prompts me to blog and this is no exception. About four weeks ago I chose to end a journey in my life. This was by no means a reactive decision, more an accumulation of years of learning and a general sense that it was time to move to a new adventure. I truly feel that for this part of my life I have been given enough tools to go it alone. Its like having all those hours of driving experience with someone sitting in the passenger seat and now, with my full license, I can hit the open road and see how far it takes me. A very important trigger to making this decision was brought on by a situation in which I found myself experiencing some of that very old pre-cancer emotion. Yes, I picked up a book I had read before and I did not want to read it again! The process that went on in my head, heart and my body took two weeks to work through. You see, I already knew the end result of that experience and I had no desire to go back there.
Part of me had to revisit not only the experience but also how I responded. After investing in years of self development classes I was certain that those emotions had been released from my body and was very surprised when they surfaced again. This also made me start to think about the teachers in my life. Not just the physical teachers, the lessons that keep crossing my path until I change direction. When I was 3 years old I started classical ballet lessons. I continued to dance for thirteen years and was one exam away from reaching the top level of the Cecchetti method when, at sixteen years old, I twisted my ankle so badly it put an end to my dancing career.
My ballet instructor was an exceptional teacher and I expect I was also an excellent student. Although she never made me feel that way. If I was doing everything right but there was one time I didn’t turn out my leg, she would find fault with that one turn. I would dance until I was exhausted and if you weren’t ready to put 110% into each and every class, it was better to not turn up at all. For years I yearned for her approval and praise. She obviously saw the potential in me, but never encouraged me with positive words or recognition. In order to push me to grow she constantly pointed out my flaws and I never wanted to let her down. I didn’t realize it at the time but instead of finding a new teacher and standing in my integrity, I opted out by stepping in a big hole at school and tore the ligaments off my ankle.
Finding a mentor or going through an experience that consistently focuses on the negative aspects of yourself is not always a good thing. Growing into myself has been hard work and lets face it there are already so many voices in your own head without someone else adding in their opinions. There is a fine balance between recognizing that within yourself that needs to be transmuted and that which you need to accept and move on. So how do you know when its time to end a part of your journey? Its actually easier to recognize than what you think. It may not always be something you see, but it is something that you feel. When you start to hide parts of yourself that you no longer want to share. When you begin to move away from your authentic self to please others. When you start to feel resentment from what was once heart felt advice. When you start to find distractions and excuses to avoid what used to take up a lot of your time and energy. That’s when you know it is time. However finding the courage to move out of your discomfort is another story for another day.
Honor the teachers in your life, good and bad because they all provide experiences and opportunity to grow. I have no idea what lays ahead of me but I know I am standing in my power. I am armed with knowledge, experience and wisdom. Whatever life throws at me now I know I am not going to be that girl that falls in a hole ever again. If you are a person that wants to inspire others, then you must be inspiring. If you want to help others then you must be authentic. If you want to stand in your power, then you must action your words. If you want to grow you must be prepared to face your fears. Embrace the shadow side of yourself and be prepared for some resistance. If you want to help the world then start with yourself.
Remember the end of one journey is just an opportunity for the beginning of another.
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